To be taken literally shock value must contribute value. I hope you will find that value in what I am learning. It seems emotions are so closely linked to our insecurities we manipulate ourselves as a matter of course. In example, the confidence I feel about what I am wearing is derived from my perception of others' opinions. As I was giving myself that final mirror check one morning I realized I was imagining what another person would think of my outfit. I then wondered how often my decisions are based on public opinion. At work I avoid being associated with non-performers. I choose friends according to looks (this must keep me in with the attractive crowd). I withhold, or even alter, my beliefs to avoid disparity. I stop singing in my car when pulling along side another-what would the stranger think of me. CLICK. That's what happened. My brain suddenly adjusted itself and my thoughts are now lining up with amazing focus. At once, I can see what is, and what was, important. Comparing my present and past with such focus allowed me to correct my own importance. I understand my desires are not second to yours, yet this does not make me selfish. When did I convince myself my own dreams are an afterthought? It must be possible to follow my ambitions while still supporting yours. Even now I am concerned you might be displeased with me. What is this need and can it be unlearned? If I am my true self my friends will still love me, I am sure. Possibly they love me despite this facade they choose to ignore. Possibly they will love me more after I release the need for their acceptance and just accept myself. I said this is a value I am learning, still learning. I have managed to do alright so far in my effort to please others. I can not be stopped now that I have only myself to impress.
--Originally posted 5/24/08--
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