Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 16, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Can't be avoided
The unavoidable collision when two separate journeys intersect creating a moment in time as different paths briefly occupy the same space sparking parallel lines creating new possibilities should the lines continue that course whether the lines combine as one or split apart there remains certainty that each individual path has been affected by the other as fated by destiny's design
Monday, July 2, 2012
My ADHD message to you
Forty creeps over the horizon, stalking me, waiting to make its move. I don't fear the age itself, but the lessons I've failed to learn. I have spent my life depending on others to define who I am. I still don't know myself completely, but I know enough to protect my heart. Years of pain take time to heal, remaining an open wound. Covered by fear and insecurity attempting to hide my shame.
My lack of knowing who I am still haunts me to this day. Changing how you act and feel is not an immediate adjustment, but takes a lot of time and requires loving who you are. I still can't say I know myself. More importantly who I'm not. I've done bad things yearning to earn respect from people who played me for a fool. My relationships, built on co-dependence, have been toxic - poisoned my soul. Permitting taking control of my life and using it to improve their own.
Why I'm drawn to people who only see my weakness, is something I can only blame on myself. I've been physically beat, emotionally abused, abandoned and refused. By time time I realize what's going on it's too late, trapped by my self-esteem. Knowing this I've still continued to pick the one who'll continue with the show. I've lost track of how many acts have passed, looking forward to the final call. Time for the curtain to lower down and end the 39 year run. Then I can start a new play, but this time a one man show.
I'm a work in progress, learning more day by day. With baby steps I slowly improve, rebuilding who I was meant to be. I've always been the one they wanted me to be. Never learning who I really am or why I'm even here. I know there's a purpose for my life and won't quit until it's known.
My problem now is placing blame on new friends based on what others have done. I expect them to treat me the same and feel defensive at every turn. Trust is something hard to give when my past tells me to run. Even when I feel, my friend, you could finally be the honest one, I can only offer partial trust until I trust myself. I have to learn to allow honest people to enter my troubled life. Who can understand while I'm not broken, I'm not the confident one. And love me for who I really am and see through the fronts I put up. Who is willing to be patient as I continue to improve my self love. I pray to God I'll know the one who will treat me with support and love. Yet not be afraid to tell me things I need to hear so I can learn how I am viewed. More importantly allow me to find myself, while loving the person I am now.
My past affects my future, pain dictating what I do. I may say things that I don't mean as I struggle to gain control. Slow and steady wins the race, but I'm speeding to improve. Until I do, please allow me slack, but expect me to keep on the move. Be my rock, a safety zone, the one who sees my heart and knows my intentions are true. I might not be in the best place, but you're helping me improve. I'm not leaning on your guidance, instead asking for patience as I get to know myself. More and more I will get closer to my goal to live my life for me.
I know you don't like when I call you my angel, but I believe that to be true. Right when I started to fall back down you appeared and you immediately improved my mood. Your God given gift as a true musician played a big part lifting my soul. I felt your passion, emotion, and heart as you played and shared your truth. This friendship is just in the beginning stage, and I'm excited to strengthen the bond.
Just see my heart and forgive my lapse in choosing the correct words. When I speak from my heart, which I do with you, I tend to get confused. As I try to express how I truly feel, my words don't come out right. Just know I truly care for you and will continue to improve. I tried to speak your language so you could understand what I think of you. I desire your friendship, trust, and love and I will always stand by you.
I can't stop typing as my thoughts spill out, determined to escape my mind. So I'll post this message I wrote for you, praying you'll understand. While I'm not the man I'm meant to be, this is my promise to you. I'll work on getting to that point, until then my words are true. And once I finally reach that point, it will be in part because of you. I'm always here, to do the same, and continue to support you.
I care for you deeply, and look forward to forming a strong bond with you. I pray we can figure things out, and I'm guided on what to do. I told you I'm not sure of who I am or what I know is true. However one thing I know for sure is the intentions you have are pure. If you ever doubt I believe this fact, tell me and I'll prove it to you. The greatest things in life can take time to come through. So I'll be patient, I believe we met the way we were fated to. And I anticipate building a relationship that will never never cease to improve.
One more time I'll emphasize how much I care about you. I know you feel the same, you have shown me that side of you. I'm blessed to have met you, and thank God our paths were meant to cross. I'll end this message now, I've already said way too much. You have become a friend and I put my faith in you. I will continue to try and be the same, it's worth it to know you.
My lack of knowing who I am still haunts me to this day. Changing how you act and feel is not an immediate adjustment, but takes a lot of time and requires loving who you are. I still can't say I know myself. More importantly who I'm not. I've done bad things yearning to earn respect from people who played me for a fool. My relationships, built on co-dependence, have been toxic - poisoned my soul. Permitting taking control of my life and using it to improve their own.
Why I'm drawn to people who only see my weakness, is something I can only blame on myself. I've been physically beat, emotionally abused, abandoned and refused. By time time I realize what's going on it's too late, trapped by my self-esteem. Knowing this I've still continued to pick the one who'll continue with the show. I've lost track of how many acts have passed, looking forward to the final call. Time for the curtain to lower down and end the 39 year run. Then I can start a new play, but this time a one man show.
I'm a work in progress, learning more day by day. With baby steps I slowly improve, rebuilding who I was meant to be. I've always been the one they wanted me to be. Never learning who I really am or why I'm even here. I know there's a purpose for my life and won't quit until it's known.
My problem now is placing blame on new friends based on what others have done. I expect them to treat me the same and feel defensive at every turn. Trust is something hard to give when my past tells me to run. Even when I feel, my friend, you could finally be the honest one, I can only offer partial trust until I trust myself. I have to learn to allow honest people to enter my troubled life. Who can understand while I'm not broken, I'm not the confident one. And love me for who I really am and see through the fronts I put up. Who is willing to be patient as I continue to improve my self love. I pray to God I'll know the one who will treat me with support and love. Yet not be afraid to tell me things I need to hear so I can learn how I am viewed. More importantly allow me to find myself, while loving the person I am now.
My past affects my future, pain dictating what I do. I may say things that I don't mean as I struggle to gain control. Slow and steady wins the race, but I'm speeding to improve. Until I do, please allow me slack, but expect me to keep on the move. Be my rock, a safety zone, the one who sees my heart and knows my intentions are true. I might not be in the best place, but you're helping me improve. I'm not leaning on your guidance, instead asking for patience as I get to know myself. More and more I will get closer to my goal to live my life for me.
I know you don't like when I call you my angel, but I believe that to be true. Right when I started to fall back down you appeared and you immediately improved my mood. Your God given gift as a true musician played a big part lifting my soul. I felt your passion, emotion, and heart as you played and shared your truth. This friendship is just in the beginning stage, and I'm excited to strengthen the bond.
Just see my heart and forgive my lapse in choosing the correct words. When I speak from my heart, which I do with you, I tend to get confused. As I try to express how I truly feel, my words don't come out right. Just know I truly care for you and will continue to improve. I tried to speak your language so you could understand what I think of you. I desire your friendship, trust, and love and I will always stand by you.
I can't stop typing as my thoughts spill out, determined to escape my mind. So I'll post this message I wrote for you, praying you'll understand. While I'm not the man I'm meant to be, this is my promise to you. I'll work on getting to that point, until then my words are true. And once I finally reach that point, it will be in part because of you. I'm always here, to do the same, and continue to support you.
I care for you deeply, and look forward to forming a strong bond with you. I pray we can figure things out, and I'm guided on what to do. I told you I'm not sure of who I am or what I know is true. However one thing I know for sure is the intentions you have are pure. If you ever doubt I believe this fact, tell me and I'll prove it to you. The greatest things in life can take time to come through. So I'll be patient, I believe we met the way we were fated to. And I anticipate building a relationship that will never never cease to improve.
One more time I'll emphasize how much I care about you. I know you feel the same, you have shown me that side of you. I'm blessed to have met you, and thank God our paths were meant to cross. I'll end this message now, I've already said way too much. You have become a friend and I put my faith in you. I will continue to try and be the same, it's worth it to know you.
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