Perception

Why do we get dressed up to go to the store? Why worry about how a stranger views us? I have noticed I spend an unnecessarily large amount of time on my appearance just to impress strangers. And maybe not even to impress, but to give the impression that I care about how I look. These people have no idea what qualities I posses on the inside, or lack. They have no way of knowing what core values I hold dear, only that I shaved, did my hair, smell good (or at least do not smell bad), and have clean clothes.

I remember my grandmother telling me as a child going to the mall that I represent my family name when I am out in public. What I do reflects directly on my family. I think this is part of the reason I concern myself with a stranger's opinion. But unless I commit some social transgression there is nothing for them to judge but my appearance. Does being dressed in nice clothes make me a better man? Or, by walking through the grocery store in a wrinkled T-shirt and flip flops take away from my true self?

While I can admit I have spent a good amount of time preparing myself before going out but this is mostly in an attempt to impress a possible suitor, not some random stranger I will probably never cross paths with again. And this is normally when going to a bar or even the store in the area where I would have the best odds of meeting someone. This is completely logical and comes from nature. This is the peacock showing his tail feathers. This is the first impression we are taught from an early age to be so important - and it is. This is how we grab someone's attention.

But this is not what I am talking about. What concerns me is the amount of time I have spent getting showered and dressed for a quick trip to the grocery store right down the street. While the shower is always appreciated by everyone, why is it so important for me to make sure every hair is in place, I am clean shaven and dressed in a cute outfit. Is this coming from a subconscious fear that I will be judged? I would love to use the "who knows who you will run into" excuse, but that really does not apply. I have my music blasting through my headphones to prevent social interaction (judge me another time), and use the self-checkout whenever possible.

It is more than that, however. I also quiet down when around a larger group, or around strangers and even stop singing along to my music in my car when another pulls up next to me at a red light. Where does this fear of perception come from? In trying to manipulate it by wearing nice clothes, am I changing this perception or just fooling myself? Do they really see me?

After making sure my appearance is on point have I adequately met the requirements for public appearances? Or, am I just catering to this endless need to be accepted? I am beginning to realize this perception of me I strive so hard to improve is all based in my own insecurities. I have created a perception of their perception.

adding fuel to my fire

I recently decided it was time to admit to myself that my life wasn't at a point that left me satisfied. Not that I am ungrateful for what I have. I just think I should be at a different level than where I am now. I needed to change my game plan - what I was doing obviously had not worked out.

After making a few decisions I would have typically handled differently, I noticed how I was being noticed. At first it was a relief to get a little recognition and the validation that I was on the right track. But those positive reactions were soon joined by negativity. I was sucker-punched and stumbled back a couple steps.

Never a quitter, I moved on. I made myself more visible and took more risks. I stood on my own, needing no direction. I focused on what needed to be done, and took action to change things. The reactions paralleled my actions; the more confidence and leadership I expressed, the more confidence in what I could do was returned to me. But this also fated me to a greater amount of negativity. The higher I stand, the harder they hit me to try and knock me down.

I'm not invincible. I have been knocked-down and I have fallen on my own. I believe what makes us strong is how we rebound from those situations. Quitting is not an option. You have to get back up, no matter how hard, and fight back. Once you come to the realization you are only fighting yourself, you can finally move on.

All the hatred and dirt thrown my way was taking a toll on me. I let it attack my confidence and self-esteem and thought I would never be able to please those who doubted me. I struggled to find an answer to their lack of faith in me and stumbled upon the answer. They never lost faith in me, they had developed a fear of me and what I was doing. They were realizing their own incompetence.

The attacks they made on me began to feed my confidence and I understood that the hatred was jealousy. Once they realized I was threatening their credibility and integrity, their natural instinct was to attack instead of adapt. Each attack is an affirmation that I am on the correct path. By expressing your weakness you have cast a spotlight on my strengths.

You made me stronger and I appreciate that gift.

indecision

Feeling trapped
not immobilized
but mobility stalls
panic slowly, gently forming

I'm at a crossroad
a simple decision
but unable to decide
fearing possible unlikabilities

My mind has chosen
it focuses on minor details
relenting its grip on rationality
deciding on indecision

I want desperately to regain control
to allow life to happen
ignoring the what ifs that rarely occur
choosing to deal with the immediate

The anxiety that comes from this awareness
felling trapped between reason and worry
knowing the correct choice
yet unable to make it

Time passes as my mind stalls
somewhere between thought and action
like a misfire or electrical short
failing to initiate activity

So many pressing needs suddenly appear
overdue chores, new ideas you must not forget
decision is delayed as your attention is refocused
"look at the birdie", your mind commands

Hyperactivity to detail further shifts your focus
pushing you further into denial
you surrender your ability to reason
allowing the misdirection to shield you from choice

Eventually time passes and decisions have been made
life has continued without you, despite you
repercussions range from regret to rage
but you can never change what has already been done

The certainty this will happen again
creates an anxiety in itself
cradling you in its familiar grip
protecting you from possibilities

Best For Last (Adele: 19)

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

Why is it everytime I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough cause you're still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting away
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you

((lyrics courtesy of absolutelyrics.com))

Everybody Must Get Stoned: Rock Stars on Drugs

Ozzy Osbourne once told High Times he was poolside when he offered a stranger coke. "He goes, 'No, no, no.' I'm whacking this stuff up my nose . . . [and] I say, 'What do you do?'

"He says, 'I work for the government . . . for the drug squad.' I sez, 'You're [bleep]ing joking.' He shows me his badge. I [bleep]in' flipped -- flames were coming out of my fingers, man. He says, 'Oh, you're all right. I'm the guy that got you the coke.' "


From: "Everybody Must Get Stoned: Rock Stars on Drugs" by R. U. Sirius

...for my sister-in-law

Local as a Mother...

In a recent interview with GQ, Devendra Banhart was talking about recording in Woodstock and how important he found it to move on after recording "I need to move on or I'll be singing the same shit." He then quoted Miles Davis; "People who don't change will find themselves like folk musicians, playing in museums and local as a motherfucker."

I think I understand how they felt. I have live in Houston almost my entire life. This is all I know. While I have moved to different sides of the city and even way out on the outskirts, it is still Houston. I am still the same person. It's not like I hold the belief that you can become a new person if you move to another city. When I went to New York City last year, I felt different. I felt so creative and inspired. I felt comfortable yet driven. I was still me. I didn't loose any insecurity or look different. What changed was my motivation.

When I wrote, which was often, I wrote from a new perspective. My emotions pushed me in a new direction. My point of view was the same, but it was like I had been given glasses and was suddenly aware of details previously unseen. Subtlety of life became my muse.

We have to change things to remain fresh. For you it may be having a baby and starting a family. Or you may change careers and go down an unknown path. For me, for now, it seems like moving to New York City is an obvious progression. How long it will take to get there is a different story, but the knowledge of what is out there waiting for me provides patience and excitement.

Having returned to my local same shit different day way of life, I write much less and have to pull the words out from deep inside instead of the hard to keep up with flow I momentarily experienced. This doesn't lessen my motivation it provides a boost. I realize one has to work hard to get ahead. The journey defines the destination. What I go through to get there will make me stronger and more appreciative of what live has to offer.

I miss hip-hop

I love hip-hop music. I love all music, but hip-hop has always held a special place in my heart. Recently, however, so many songs have been released that are just stupid. Why do some many songs (mainly rap) involve bragging about money, cars, girls, etc. that they do not have? What happened to the songs about life, about love, and the fun songs aboutnothing, really, but just fun?
Music is basically a means to telling your story. It is a method of communication that allows others to experience, more or less, your life. It tells stories of love found, love lost, and love unrequited. It brings joy to what is sometimes a very hectic and harsh life. This music allowed me to eavesdrop on other people's personal thoughts and see life through their eyes. To experience what they experience and feel the same emotions they feel. It lets me know there are other people out there that think like me and have the same problems I have. It tells me I am not alone and things do get better. This is what music is about.

Music is also about having fun, especially hip-hop. It is fun stories and funny situations. It is silly lyrics that make you smile and amazing beats that challenge you to sit still. It is a parallel universe that exist just outside of our own and provides a temporary relief from life's drama.

Hip-hop, in particular, defines your generation. You can listen to the songs put out when you were a teen and are instantly back in that time. The next generation will inevitably create their own music that they claim is better than mine, and call me old-school. And this is how life is supposed to be. We always improve on the previous, and the previous always claims to be the original. That is why music is so important.

I miss hip-hop and wish it would return.

lost

i'm trying to figure out the reason i'm here

at this place, at this time, in this condition

they say all thing are meant to be

that there are no exceptions

so why is it i'm meant to be lost

still searching, and hoping, and trying

as much as i pray and ask for signs

on how i'm suppossed to be

i find myself constantly looking back

getting stuck on shoulda,coulda,woulda been

there is no moral and anecdote to my ramblings

no happy conclusion to what i said

i guess i'm just venting, misdirecting questions

that should be asked of myself, instead

--Originally posted 9/01/06--

I Missed You

What happened to you? You've been such a stranger. I actually forgot you. Seeing you now brings your memories back so clearly. You have always been a funny, smart, romantic dreamer. I remember you always wanted to be in New York. You just knew Broadway was your destiny. And here you are. Strutting down Broadway on a rainy May afternoon. I see you finally made it. Even if you are only on holiday, you are here. Just like you always said. Maybe the theater hasn't quite panned out, yet. Your life is at a climax and us reuniting is a strong sign of possibilities. I have never been more focused than I am at this moment. Your self assurance of purpose and sense of being is sublime. I have relinquished my doubts and I am open to your ambition. I missed you. I missed being me.

--Originally posted 5/23/08--

Emotional Constipation

To be taken literally shock value must contribute value. I hope you will find that value in what I am learning. It seems emotions are so closely linked to our insecurities we manipulate ourselves as a matter of course. In example, the confidence I feel about what I am wearing is derived from my perception of others' opinions. As I was giving myself that final mirror check one morning I realized I was imagining what another person would think of my outfit. I then wondered how often my decisions are based on public opinion. At work I avoid being associated with non-performers. I choose friends according to looks (this must keep me in with the attractive crowd). I withhold, or even alter, my beliefs to avoid disparity. I stop singing in my car when pulling along side another-what would the stranger think of me. CLICK. That's what happened. My brain suddenly adjusted itself and my thoughts are now lining up with amazing focus. At once, I can see what is, and what was, important. Comparing my present and past with such focus allowed me to correct my own importance. I understand my desires are not second to yours, yet this does not make me selfish. When did I convince myself my own dreams are an afterthought? It must be possible to follow my ambitions while still supporting yours. Even now I am concerned you might be displeased with me. What is this need and can it be unlearned? If I am my true self my friends will still love me, I am sure. Possibly they love me despite this facade they choose to ignore. Possibly they will love me more after I release the need for their acceptance and just accept myself. I said this is a value I am learning, still learning. I have managed to do alright so far in my effort to please others. I can not be stopped now that I have only myself to impress.

--Originally posted 5/24/08--

He Hung the Moon

...work in progress...