Unconditional Love

I have wasted an insane amount of time in my life looking for love. Love from friends, family, partners. I didn't care, I just wanted to feel loved. I realize this is a very needy act and says more about my self-esteem than an natural yearning for affection. But, this does not change the simple fact that I felt I needed this validation. Until recently. As much as I would like to say I changed overnight and no longer want people to express their love for me, I cannot. I can say that I have, however, realized both the futility and nonessential need behind this search. I realized after visiting my brother and sister-in-law and my three nephews for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My nephews could care less what I wear or how I look. They don't care what I have to say, or what I do for a living. All they care about is that I was there. They kept asking their mom when I was coming and stuck by me the entire time. Watching their movies with them was such an amazing time. They would sit right next to me, on me, behind me with their feet pushing against my back - just so long as I was spending time with them. It is so frustrating at times watching movies with others, especially those I am trying to impress. I try to suck in my stomach, sit correctly, not make stupid remarks or laugh at the dumb jokes. With my nephews these issues did not arise. I began to wonder why I have spent so much time looking for love when these three princes were so willing to just give it to me without asking anything in return. Even on those rare occasions that I had to correct them for acting up, or tell them no when they had a request, they never wavered from their love for me. I didn't have to earn it. I would not have been able to earn this type of love anyway. It is an unconditional love and something I shall cherish for the rest of my life. I just pray I never fail to show my appreciation for this love.

Romanticising Romance

I used to fancy myself a romantic. To the point I use phrases like fancy myself. I am now at the point where I wonder if I really am a romantic, or just in love with the idea of romance. I find so many things to be romantic and want to experience them with my man (who does not yet exist). What I know wonder is do I really want to share that moment with someone I love, or am I so enthralled with living out those moments I have seen in movies that I want to recreate them. Here is an example, I am planning to move to NYC and want to experience my first walk through Central Park with someone I love. There is nobody I specifically want to share this walk with, yet, and I don't know of any reason that this walk is any more special than any other walk with my man. I think I have seen this image so many times in movies that I think it should be a romantic moment. But can these moments actually be created, or should they just happen? Does this mean I would have to avoid Central Park until I actually experience that first walk with my true love so I don't ruin that moment? That hardly seems right. The biggest error in that wish is the lack of a man. Who knows how long it will be until I find my Prince Charming. This might also explain why I have been single for so long. I expect too many things from a potential suitor. Upon retrospect, I am not sure any man could actually live up to my ridiculously high standards. I have too many requirements that he must meet to even be considered. I think my need for romance has actually ruined romance - if this makes any sense. I am trying to control the uncontrollable and force destiny. Maybe if I simply let things happen I will open myself up to actually meeting that special someone. Maybe by letting go of my search for a perfect moment, I will finally allow life to happen. If I get out a romance's way, maybe I will experience romance in its truest form. Maybe

Quotes

God never gets it wrong. The church often takes a long time to get it right. It is a human institution, but one capable of self-correction...I believe in my heart that the church got it wrong about homosexuality. There is great excitement in my heart to be living in a time when the church is starting to get it right
~New Hampshire Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson

Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.
~Robert Green Ingersoll

Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.
~John F. Kennedy

I believe all Americans who believe in freedom, tolerance and human rights have a responsibility to oppose bigotry and prejudice based on sexual orientation.
~Coretta Scott King

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
~Ernest Gaines

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
~Mohandas Gandhi

Even the devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
~William Shakespeare

People are quick to react, but they are slow to prevent
~C Lean (Huntsville)

Gay Penguins

Penguins caught stealing eggs from straight couples in an attempt to become fathers have been given their own to look after following protests.
Zoo keepers moved the male birds away from the rest of the penguins to avoid problems as hatching season approaches.
But angry visitors to Polar Land in China complained it was not fair for the males to stop becoming surrogate fathers.
Following the protests, zookeepers gave the pair two eggs laid by an inexperienced first-time mother.
"They've turned out to be the best parents in the whole zoo," on zoo keeper said.
"We will try to arrange for them to become real parents themselves with artificial insemination."
Despite being gay, it is understood the three-year-old male birds are still driven by an urge to be fathers.


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this was taken directly from http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/latest/5217215/gay-penguins-given-own-eggs-to-care-for/

Am I really my own person?

I am ashamed to say I have let other people effect the way I am. In the past I was a very caring and devoted friend, but I became friends with (or attracted as friends) people who took advantage of this. I, at first, allowed myself to become a very negative person and would not allow people to access my "good side". Later, I started to shun social activities and avoid people altogether. This proved to be very effective in cutting off people's access to my openness and protected my feelings. What I did not anticipate was how lonely a world it would become once I stopped talking to people. I always defended myself (mostly to myself) by saying I was alone, but not lonely. It took a couple years - and the slow descent from society - to realize how wrong I was. I suddenly understood how much I needed to be around people. I love people, and the interactions I had with them. I loved being the caring person, the positive person. The friend people would gravitate around when they wanted to laugh, or needed cheering up. Eliminating friendships would help prevent the possible misuse of my love. There were no possibilities, however, involved in eliminating friendships. There was the guarantee that I would soon suffer my decision. My next hurdle was getting back into socializing without limiting my being. I could not let previous experiences, or my fear that they might re-occur, from changing who I am. I had to commit to jumping headfirst into the sea of people with an open heart and pray that the people I met would be different from those I knew. I had to remain strong in my belief that the majority of people are good-hearted and loving. This part I am still working on, but I have full faith that I will be successful this time and remain the me I love.

BET not a friend of gays?

UPDATED 2/18/10: It is a shame that BET never felt the need to even attempt a response, whether negative or positive. BUT, I am very please that thanks to Twitter I was able to personally express my disappointment to Anthony. I was truly appreciative to receive a response. Actually, I simply posted a public tweet mentioning him. What I really took as a sign of respect is his direct message back, instead of a public reply on his twitter page. This came across as a sincere apology instead of simply an attempt to save face. This is why I felt the need to update my blog and return that respect.

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BET recently premiered a show called "Brothers to Brutha" which centers around 5 young brothers and their singing group. On this weeks episode the youngest brother, Anthony, made a comment about one of his older brothers, Grady, dancing like a homosexual. Grady, out of anger then assaulted Anthony. This angered me in two ways; the fact that "homosexual" was used as a derogatory term, and that it was received as such a horrible label that one would attack his own brother. This angered me enough to log into BET's website to post a comment about this. However, I was confronted with a survey pertaining to this exact issue. But, instead of BET questioning the usage of this word, they asked if Anthony should have guestioned Grady's manhood. Basically inferring being gay somehow negates being a man. I no longer felt commenting on that site would be effective since BET obviously views gays in a negative way and would pay no attention to our concerns. This worries me since the group, and the show, is meant to appeal to younger viewers and this is not the example we need to set for them. We are already trying to stop the usage of the phrase "that is so gay" and this politically correct version is more offensive since it is a pointed and deliberate attempt to avoid any confusion over the intended offense. We, as a nation, are finally making huge strides forward to eliminate the years of prejudices already in place. This is being done in large part to a younger, more diverse, population that does not view homosexuality as wrong, or not being normal. Having a media outlet with such trendsetting capabilities like BET allow, and promote, such hatred is unacceptable and we must do something to let BET know will will not allow them to promote hatred.

Proposition 8

If you are tired of hearing, and reading, about Prop 8, you are probably straight. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I, however, am not, and I am very frustrated that some many people are attempting to deny my rights. I have no immediate plans to marry, but one day I would love to be married. Or, in the least, have that option. To be clear on what this right means to me, I simply want to live free of discrimination. Regardless of you opinion, I am American, I vote, I pay taxes, I deserve to be treated equally.

For those who wish to quote bible verses and condemn me to hell, I am Christian. I am not going to hell because you say I am. Only God can make this decision. Why so many Christians believe they know my relationship with God better than I do is very disturbing. I was raised in a very strict, and extreme, religious home. I was taught I would go to hell for what was then a very secretive and unsure "difference". I had no idea what the word gay meant, but I knew I felt for other boys the same way those boys felt for girls. And I knew this was wrong, according to my parents. It was not until many years after I had moved out of my parents' house that I finally realized how absurdly wrong that was. After I developed my own relationship with God I found out He does not hate gays, but the contrary. This was after over a decade of attempting to be straight. This was after daily prayers to rid me of my gay demons. This was after I finally gave in an realized God didn't want me to change. He created me to be this way and to change it would be to live a lie. To continue the unhappy existence I had always known. I'm sure I'll come back to this topic some other time, but this is a basic preemptive response to those who believe I am a sinner. Believe if you must, but please keep you life right so you can one day see how wrong you are if you make it to Heaven also.

For now, this will have to suffice as far as my blog is concerned. I must now get ready for bed. I need plenty of sleep to combat ignorance during the day. Turning the other cheek can take a lot of energy.