selfish

I feel so selfish when people are in need. I feel greedy thinking about my problems, when there are so many who would trade their life for mine. I don't know if I have always thought this way, if it was something I learned from my parents, or did I become this way on my own. I actually have not given serious thought to this until today.

We all have our problems, and deal with the as best as we know how. Sometimes we get knocked all the way down and have no choice but to start over. I've been through this just like many of you. I didn't quit, I didn't run and hide. I brushed myself off and rebuilt my life. I fought hard and came back from the most difficult moment in my life. It was far from easy, and took the love and bitter truth from my friends.

They say you discover who your true friends are when you are down. That's true, but on multiple levels. A true friend is not there just to support you, but to help you find your way when you are lost. They are the person you can trust to guide you, no matter how scared you are. They are the person who will motivate you. And they become that person who will be honest with you, even when you don't want to hear it. They will hold your hand no matter how hard you fight and never let go.

Everyone should be so lucky to have at least one friend like this. I am blessed and eternally grateful for this. I believe superheroes exist. Superheroes do not announce themselves, they just appear when you are in need. They make sure you are safe and secure before they leave, never allowing you time for more than a quick thank you. They reject public adoration, preferring to keep your problems private. But they can only do so much. They always place the responsibility on you.

Once I found my way back from the hardship I had experienced, I knew the rest was all on me. I know now, but didn't realize at the time, that it would take more that just me. I had recovered and my life was on the right track. I think a lot of us make the same mistake I made next - I forgot to revisit why I originally fell.

That was a lesson I had to learn about forgetting the past. I didn't know the signs to avoid making the same mistakes. I couldn't correct, or prevent, ignored issues. I had, very likely, destined myself to another fall. Did I ever.

Instead of moving on, I was moving in a loop. But this time around things were different. I knew how to fight back because I had before. I refused to get knocked down again. I stood strong, taking hit after hit. As the hits continued, I began to weaken. While I thought I was strong enough, I soon realized I needed help.

Now I'm back fighting for clarity. Looking for answers. Asking for help. As I feel the confusion setting back in, my heart starts to ache. I can feel myself withdrawing and have now become very shut off. It feels like life is just a couple steps away from me. I can see it happening. I see others living it. I just haven't figured out how to get back to it. I pass the time alone, in my room, looking through my window. The only ambition or desire I can manifest is to be on the outside of that window.

But who am I to ask for help when people are in need? I feel greedy thinking about my problems, when there are so many who would trade their life for mine. I feel so selfish.