Apologizing

Air

I realize I have been slacking on my blog recently. This is really a spot for me to channel some of my ADHD. In part as an attempt to focus my creative energy into more productive areas. But this is also my attempt to vocalize some of my scattered thoughts (so others can understand how I think, but so I can also organize my own thoughts better.)

Basically there is no theme to my blogs, except for randomness.

Anyway, I promise to post more soon.

why

MyNiceProfile.com

Perception

Why do we get dressed up to go to the store? Why worry about how a stranger views us? I have noticed I spend an unnecessarily large amount of time on my appearance just to impress strangers. And maybe not even to impress, but to give the impression that I care about how I look. These people have no idea what qualities I posses on the inside, or lack. They have no way of knowing what core values I hold dear, only that I shaved, did my hair, smell good (or at least do not smell bad), and have clean clothes.

I remember my grandmother telling me as a child going to the mall that I represent my family name when I am out in public. What I do reflects directly on my family. I think this is part of the reason I concern myself with a stranger's opinion. But unless I commit some social transgression there is nothing for them to judge but my appearance. Does being dressed in nice clothes make me a better man? Or, by walking through the grocery store in a wrinkled T-shirt and flip flops take away from my true self?

While I can admit I have spent a good amount of time preparing myself before going out but this is mostly in an attempt to impress a possible suitor, not some random stranger I will probably never cross paths with again. And this is normally when going to a bar or even the store in the area where I would have the best odds of meeting someone. This is completely logical and comes from nature. This is the peacock showing his tail feathers. This is the first impression we are taught from an early age to be so important - and it is. This is how we grab someone's attention.

But this is not what I am talking about. What concerns me is the amount of time I have spent getting showered and dressed for a quick trip to the grocery store right down the street. While the shower is always appreciated by everyone, why is it so important for me to make sure every hair is in place, I am clean shaven and dressed in a cute outfit. Is this coming from a subconscious fear that I will be judged? I would love to use the "who knows who you will run into" excuse, but that really does not apply. I have my music blasting through my headphones to prevent social interaction (judge me another time), and use the self-checkout whenever possible.

It is more than that, however. I also quiet down when around a larger group, or around strangers and even stop singing along to my music in my car when another pulls up next to me at a red light. Where does this fear of perception come from? In trying to manipulate it by wearing nice clothes, am I changing this perception or just fooling myself? Do they really see me?

After making sure my appearance is on point have I adequately met the requirements for public appearances? Or, am I just catering to this endless need to be accepted? I am beginning to realize this perception of me I strive so hard to improve is all based in my own insecurities. I have created a perception of their perception.

adding fuel to my fire

I recently decided it was time to admit to myself that my life wasn't at a point that left me satisfied. Not that I am ungrateful for what I have. I just think I should be at a different level than where I am now. I needed to change my game plan - what I was doing obviously had not worked out.

After making a few decisions I would have typically handled differently, I noticed how I was being noticed. At first it was a relief to get a little recognition and the validation that I was on the right track. But those positive reactions were soon joined by negativity. I was sucker-punched and stumbled back a couple steps.

Never a quitter, I moved on. I made myself more visible and took more risks. I stood on my own, needing no direction. I focused on what needed to be done, and took action to change things. The reactions paralleled my actions; the more confidence and leadership I expressed, the more confidence in what I could do was returned to me. But this also fated me to a greater amount of negativity. The higher I stand, the harder they hit me to try and knock me down.

I'm not invincible. I have been knocked-down and I have fallen on my own. I believe what makes us strong is how we rebound from those situations. Quitting is not an option. You have to get back up, no matter how hard, and fight back. Once you come to the realization you are only fighting yourself, you can finally move on.

All the hatred and dirt thrown my way was taking a toll on me. I let it attack my confidence and self-esteem and thought I would never be able to please those who doubted me. I struggled to find an answer to their lack of faith in me and stumbled upon the answer. They never lost faith in me, they had developed a fear of me and what I was doing. They were realizing their own incompetence.

The attacks they made on me began to feed my confidence and I understood that the hatred was jealousy. Once they realized I was threatening their credibility and integrity, their natural instinct was to attack instead of adapt. Each attack is an affirmation that I am on the correct path. By expressing your weakness you have cast a spotlight on my strengths.

You made me stronger and I appreciate that gift.

indecision

Feeling trapped
not immobilized
but mobility stalls
panic slowly, gently forming

I'm at a crossroad
a simple decision
but unable to decide
fearing possible unlikabilities

My mind has chosen
it focuses on minor details
relenting its grip on rationality
deciding on indecision

I want desperately to regain control
to allow life to happen
ignoring the what ifs that rarely occur
choosing to deal with the immediate

The anxiety that comes from this awareness
felling trapped between reason and worry
knowing the correct choice
yet unable to make it

Time passes as my mind stalls
somewhere between thought and action
like a misfire or electrical short
failing to initiate activity

So many pressing needs suddenly appear
overdue chores, new ideas you must not forget
decision is delayed as your attention is refocused
"look at the birdie", your mind commands

Hyperactivity to detail further shifts your focus
pushing you further into denial
you surrender your ability to reason
allowing the misdirection to shield you from choice

Eventually time passes and decisions have been made
life has continued without you, despite you
repercussions range from regret to rage
but you can never change what has already been done

The certainty this will happen again
creates an anxiety in itself
cradling you in its familiar grip
protecting you from possibilities