houstonbch

not my joke, but it's funny

2011-06-02T17:28:00.001-05:00

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

2011-04-04T12:25:00.001-05:00

2011-04-01T12:31:00.001-05:00

passify my aggresion

2010-12-09T18:56:00.000-06:00

depression
regression
impression
life lesson

lesson unlearned
pain unearned
world turned
bridges burned

pain continues
different venues
similar menus
lacking sinews

wonder increases
faith never ceases
trust decreases
this aint a thesis

pushing through
working for you
passivity grew
aggression too

need to end it
codependent
thoughts, penned it
never sent it

know my station
validation
situation
more aggravation

just need a hand
a simple you can
i have a plan
just understand

please don't correct
or try to direct
just listen
just listen

Heidi Klum, in Mondo Guerra's dress

2010-11-14T21:54:00.000-06:00

2010-11-11T13:22:00.004-06:00

Thinking in Pieces

2010-11-10T12:24:00.004-06:00

I really have a lot of thoughts that I want to share. No, not want. These are thoughts that I need to share. My problem is I can't find a way to write the ideas I carry in my mind. I have spent a lot of time thinking about so many different things at once and can't focus enough to finish the one idea before another takes over. Suddenly I'm on another project or idea and as I approach a point where I'm ready to write something BAM! Another train of thought has overtaken me.

I'm not abandoning the thoughts completely, just for the moment. If my memory is working well that day, I can go back to the thought and allow my creativity to take over. Some days I can't recall the thought that I started with, but it will jump into my head eventually. As it cuts off another thought in progress.

This just happened - I got a phone call and it has been about 45 minutes since I ended the last paragraph. I forgot to come back, until I started ... KNOCK KNOCK

This was not an attempt at literary cuteness. I actually just got disturbed by a knock at the door bringing a visitor. I normally do not answer the door for unannounced visitors, but this was a welcome friend, so I made an exception.

He is a straight boy. We aren't really good friends, but we've said hi to each other in passing and he's a friend of my roommate. He came by looking for roomie, but he wasn't home. He asked if he could sit and chill for a second. I didn't mind, so I said sure. Take a seat.

He asked for permission to light a cigarette, which I found polite since I don't smoke. I found an ashtray and let him relax for a few minutes. I appreciate the conversation and had nothing else to do at the time other than blog anyway.

I said I appreciate the conversation because it is still going on. Let me point out that we are also watching The Ellen Show and there is a lull in the conversation. I also let him know that I was online and trying to get some thoughts out before they were temporarily forgotten. This has opened a conversation about his love of producing music and he needs help to create a CD. I'm no pro, but I can take a music file and burn it to a CD, I can even label if I choose.

That led to further conversation, and he noticed a very attractive woman on TV. He mentioned how sexy she is, and said "Sorry, I get crazy about women sometime." I laughed and said no worries, then moved my focus back to my laptop. Out of nowhere (which is normally how this happens), he remarked "no offense to you guys, but I'm not like that." He, of course, happens to know plenty gay people and is cool with them - as long as they don't hit on him. One of his gay friends even jokingly made an offer, but he knew it was just a joke. I assured him I am cool with straight people too, as long as they don't throw it in my face.

I always find it interesting when straight people make comments like that. It is not meant to be offensive, and isn't. Well, there is the presumption that gay people make it a habit of molesting straight people. I, personally, have never done that. Nor has any gay person I know, as least not to my knowledge. I always take it as a friendly request to not hit on that person, and enjoy hearing their stories of gays they are such good friends with. And I've experienced obvious signs of homophobia to know what's real and what is just a harmless comment. Now, to the guy who walks into the restroom at work and busts a u-turn right back out when they notice a gay co-worker is already in there is obvious. Not so offensive, since it is normally someone unattractive, which makes it ironic. First of all, do you really think a gay dude is going to try something? It's at work AND in a bathroom. I don't even touch the door handle to leave the bathroom, and you think I would...

Visitor has now left and gone about his day, and I need to do the same. I have a huge load of laundry that I need clean. It was really time last week, but I was lazy and just bought new socks to avoid washing. This week I have no choice - I have no clean clothes except what I'm wearing. I think if I hurry I can beat the crowd to the washateria. Normally they aren't there until after school lets out.

I realize how much I have jumped around on this post. And I have yet to finish my initial intention, which was to take some ideas and form them into written word. Instead, I have taken you an a journey. Remember the movie "Being John Malkovich"? Well, this has been "Being Brian". You just experienced what a typical day is like for me.

My brain moves from thought to thought as it pleases, and seems to somehow take joy in hiding from my accessible memory the one thing I want to recall.

5th ELEMENT!!!! That was the name of that movie I was trying to think of the other day. As soon as I called my brain out for allowing me to be so ADHD, it backs down and reveals some info I had been seeking.

I am used to thinking in pieces, and actually find my creative mind to be one of my greatest attributes. I'm blessed with family who understand when I start a conversation and then forget what we were talking about. I'm blessed with friends who understand if they tell me a long story, I'm not likely to stay focused. It's not at all a sign of disrespect, It's just how my brain was created to perform.

Four hours have now passed since I started this post. If you actually read the entire thing, thank you. And please feel free to take a 15 minutes relaxation session. You deserve it for letting your brain experience a small part of what mine goes through daily. I promise to try and focus my thoughts on future posts.

I realize I could have simply edited this into a few individual posts that would have stayed on topic, but I am happy with how this turned out. I often find it nearly impossible to vocalize what it is like to deal with a brain that processes life different than most people. I have met, either in person or online, many people who are the same way. Whether classified as ADD, ADHD, hyperactivity, or many other terms to describe people who think in pieces, dumb is definitely not a term that applies. While you can have ADD/ADHD and still be dumb, most are actually very intelligent. We just have problems trying to think the way everyone else thinks. I use to struggle in school with certain topics because there were presented in ways I found hard to comprehend. I use to struggle with math, until I taught myself how to look at the problems in a different way.

Many people with active minds are not necessarily meant to follow classical thinking. It is people like this who have gone on become leaders of industry by allowing themselves to think freely. Many are not meant for the business atmosphere, but instead become amazing artists, singers, dancers, actors, etc. If not for the necessity to handle multiple thoughts hitting you at once, we wouldn't have Windows. My browser wouldn't have all these tabs open that I was looking at until I got distracted. My MP3 wouldn't have a shuffle function. We wouldn't have some many cable channels.

I could, obviously, go on and on, but I think I have allowed my train of thought to get seriously derailed. I have already scrolled back to the top of this post to see what I originally meant to write about too many times now. It seems I intended to update my blog with new thoughts. I have done that now. Like I said, next time I will stay more focused and on topic.

Talk to me

2010-11-09T14:06:00.002-06:00

Look near the upper right side of this page, just below my picture, and you will see a chat box. If I'm online, please send a message to say hi.

Duke, the Stuke

2010-10-24T18:05:00.003-05:00

Open Letter to Senator John McCain

2010-09-21T11:17:00.002-05:00

Senator McCain,

As an child, born in Knoxville, Tennessee, and raised in Houston, Texas, I grew up in a South that was still full of hatred and prejudice.

As a gay man, raised in an extremely religious home, I grew up believing I was destined to go to hell for something I had yet to even understand.

As a Christian, brought up with a Methodist Minister grandfather, and with "by-the-book" parents (who now live in Washington, yet still found a Southern Baptist church), I was taught early to establish my own relationship with God.

As someone with such a strong relationship with my creator, I eventually learned I was how He created me. I was not destined for hell, and not "morally bankrupt" after all.

As an adult with this knowledge, I realized most hatred or bigotry against gays comes from the same desire to be the best Christian possible, but through following man's interpretation, instead of God's will.

As an informed man, I know how hard it is to change the knowledge of what one believes they posses as a result of a lifetime being taught incorrect morals.

As a forgiving man, I hold no hatred or anger towards those who wish me harm, or an eternity in hell. I respect anyone who holds strong beliefs based on religious doctrine, and understand the difficulty it takes to change years of lessons.

As a victim of bigotry, I know the great pain experienced when that hatred is directed your way.

As a son of a United States Marine, with United States Army grandfathers, and a close friend of an United States Army Airborne Ranger, I have great respect and love for all service men and women. Regardless of their beliefs, anyone who would knowingly put their life on the line to protect the rights I seek today deserves respect.

As a part of a community fighting for the same right to fight for our Country, I fear the irony of fighting for a right denied us.

As an American, I believe Don't Ask, Don't Tell should be repealed.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter

2010-09-14T13:38:00.002-05:00

FACEBOOK

TWITTER

selfish

2010-08-02T16:45:00.002-05:00

I feel so selfish when people are in need. I feel greedy thinking about my problems, when there are so many who would trade their life for mine. I don't know if I have always thought this way, if it was something I learned from my parents, or did I become this way on my own. I actually have not given serious thought to this until today.

We all have our problems, and deal with the as best as we know how. Sometimes we get knocked all the way down and have no choice but to start over. I've been through this just like many of you. I didn't quit, I didn't run and hide. I brushed myself off and rebuilt my life. I fought hard and came back from the most difficult moment in my life. It was far from easy, and took the love and bitter truth from my friends.

They say you discover who your true friends are when you are down. That's true, but on multiple levels. A true friend is not there just to support you, but to help you find your way when you are lost. They are the person you can trust to guide you, no matter how scared you are. They are the person who will motivate you. And they become that person who will be honest with you, even when you don't want to hear it. They will hold your hand no matter how hard you fight and never let go.

Everyone should be so lucky to have at least one friend like this. I am blessed and eternally grateful for this. I believe superheroes exist. Superheroes do not announce themselves, they just appear when you are in need. They make sure you are safe and secure before they leave, never allowing you time for more than a quick thank you. They reject public adoration, preferring to keep your problems private. But they can only do so much. They always place the responsibility on you.

Once I found my way back from the hardship I had experienced, I knew the rest was all on me. I know now, but didn't realize at the time, that it would take more that just me. I had recovered and my life was on the right track. I think a lot of us make the same mistake I made next - I forgot to revisit why I originally fell.

That was a lesson I had to learn about forgetting the past. I didn't know the signs to avoid making the same mistakes. I couldn't correct, or prevent, ignored issues. I had, very likely, destined myself to another fall. Did I ever.

Instead of moving on, I was moving in a loop. But this time around things were different. I knew how to fight back because I had before. I refused to get knocked down again. I stood strong, taking hit after hit. As the hits continued, I began to weaken. While I thought I was strong enough, I soon realized I needed help.

Now I'm back fighting for clarity. Looking for answers. Asking for help. As I feel the confusion setting back in, my heart starts to ache. I can feel myself withdrawing and have now become very shut off. It feels like life is just a couple steps away from me. I can see it happening. I see others living it. I just haven't figured out how to get back to it. I pass the time alone, in my room, looking through my window. The only ambition or desire I can manifest is to be on the outside of that window.

But who am I to ask for help when people are in need? I feel greedy thinking about my problems, when there are so many who would trade their life for mine. I feel so selfish.

Letter to Straight People

2010-07-31T13:06:00.004-05:00

erkerk:

Dear straight people,

I envy you. You guys take what you have for granted. I wish I could hold my partner’s hand in public without being judged. I wish I could hold them, kiss them, walk hand-in-hand and not have people whisper behind our backs.

I wish my family would pester me about dates to the point of annoyance; to ask me who I went with, what movie we watched, if he’s cute; to show some interest in my life instead of ignoring or being ashamed of everything I do.

The worst thing you guys need to worry about when introducing your loved one to your family is if they’ll like them. I worry about getting shunned and forced out.

You guys only have to worry about whether or not a person is interested in you. I constantly have to second guess myself, wondering if that person is gay or not. And then I have to wonder if he’s into me or not. And then I have to wonder if he’s out or not so I can approach him without him being scared.

We have clubs, prides, festivals, parades so we don’t have to be constantly questioning. Less than 10% of the population is gay. That’s not very much. It just makes it even harder for us to find each other. Especially since so many of us are hiding.

You guys are so lucky. You really don’t know how easy you have it. You can get married so easily whereas we’re fighting so hard for something we shouldn’t even need to fight for.

So there you have it. I’m jealous of you, straight people. I don’t hate you. I just want you guys to cherish and acknowledge what you have ‘cause there’re some people out there who don’t have that luxury.

***borrowed from http://elverdugo.tumblr.com/post/867514632

a Bible verse I needed to have shared with me

2010-07-27T10:23:00.003-05:00

1 John 3:6-8

Anyone who continues to live in Him will not sin. But anyone who keeps on sinning does not know Him or understand who He is.

If you can't be nice, stay home.

2010-06-23T14:56:00.000-05:00

From Twitter feed/@houstonbch:

Be nice to people. You never know if that one little thing you did or said turned that person's day from negative to positive. And you can also never be sure if that rude gesture ot nasty comment could have turned someone's positive day negative. And you really need to consider who that person takes our their frustration - family, customers, strangers? Life is hard enough without you adding you spit to the mix. If you can't be nice, stay home.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?

2010-03-12T23:14:00.003-06:00

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Borrowed from: http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html

Apologizing

2010-03-12T17:28:00.000-06:00

Air

2010-03-12T17:10:00.008-06:00

2010-03-04T18:13:00.002-06:00

I realize I have been slacking on my blog recently. This is really a spot for me to channel some of my ADHD. In part as an attempt to focus my creative energy into more productive areas. But this is also my attempt to vocalize some of my scattered thoughts (so others can understand how I think, but so I can also organize my own thoughts better.)

Basically there is no theme to my blogs, except for randomness.

Anyway, I promise to post more soon.

why

2010-02-14T09:32:00.005-06:00

MyNiceProfile.com

Perception

2009-12-03T10:55:00.002-06:00

Why do we get dressed up to go to the store? Why worry about how a stranger views us? I have noticed I spend an unnecessarily large amount of time on my appearance just to impress strangers. And maybe not even to impress, but to give the impression that I care about how I look. These people have no idea what qualities I posses on the inside, or lack. They have no way of knowing what core values I hold dear, only that I shaved, did my hair, smell good (or at least do not smell bad), and have clean clothes.

I remember my grandmother telling me as a child going to the mall that I represent my family name when I am out in public. What I do reflects directly on my family. I think this is part of the reason I concern myself with a stranger's opinion. But unless I commit some social transgression there is nothing for them to judge but my appearance. Does being dressed in nice clothes make me a better man? Or, by walking through the grocery store in a wrinkled T-shirt and flip flops take away from my true self?

While I can admit I have spent a good amount of time preparing myself before going out but this is mostly in an attempt to impress a possible suitor, not some random stranger I will probably never cross paths with again. And this is normally when going to a bar or even the store in the area where I would have the best odds of meeting someone. This is completely logical and comes from nature. This is the peacock showing his tail feathers. This is the first impression we are taught from an early age to be so important - and it is. This is how we grab someone's attention.

But this is not what I am talking about. What concerns me is the amount of time I have spent getting showered and dressed for a quick trip to the grocery store right down the street. While the shower is always appreciated by everyone, why is it so important for me to make sure every hair is in place, I am clean shaven and dressed in a cute outfit. Is this coming from a subconscious fear that I will be judged? I would love to use the "who knows who you will run into" excuse, but that really does not apply. I have my music blasting through my headphones to prevent social interaction (judge me another time), and use the self-checkout whenever possible.

It is more than that, however. I also quiet down when around a larger group, or around strangers and even stop singing along to my music in my car when another pulls up next to me at a red light. Where does this fear of perception come from? In trying to manipulate it by wearing nice clothes, am I changing this perception or just fooling myself? Do they really see me?

After making sure my appearance is on point have I adequately met the requirements for public appearances? Or, am I just catering to this endless need to be accepted? I am beginning to realize this perception of me I strive so hard to improve is all based in my own insecurities. I have created a perception of their perception.

adding fuel to my fire

2009-09-24T11:26:00.004-05:00

I recently decided it was time to admit to myself that my life wasn't at a point that left me satisfied. Not that I am ungrateful for what I have. I just think I should be at a different level than where I am now. I needed to change my game plan - what I was doing obviously had not worked out.

After making a few decisions I would have typically handled differently, I noticed how I was being noticed. At first it was a relief to get a little recognition and the validation that I was on the right track. But those positive reactions were soon joined by negativity. I was sucker-punched and stumbled back a couple steps.

Never a quitter, I moved on. I made myself more visible and took more risks. I stood on my own, needing no direction. I focused on what needed to be done, and took action to change things. The reactions paralleled my actions; the more confidence and leadership I expressed, the more confidence in what I could do was returned to me. But this also fated me to a greater amount of negativity. The higher I stand, the harder they hit me to try and knock me down.

I'm not invincible. I have been knocked-down and I have fallen on my own. I believe what makes us strong is how we rebound from those situations. Quitting is not an option. You have to get back up, no matter how hard, and fight back. Once you come to the realization you are only fighting yourself, you can finally move on.

All the hatred and dirt thrown my way was taking a toll on me. I let it attack my confidence and self-esteem and thought I would never be able to please those who doubted me. I struggled to find an answer to their lack of faith in me and stumbled upon the answer. They never lost faith in me, they had developed a fear of me and what I was doing. They were realizing their own incompetence.

The attacks they made on me began to feed my confidence and I understood that the hatred was jealousy. Once they realized I was threatening their credibility and integrity, their natural instinct was to attack instead of adapt. Each attack is an affirmation that I am on the correct path. By expressing your weakness you have cast a spotlight on my strengths.

You made me stronger and I appreciate that gift.

indecision

2009-08-12T16:48:00.002-05:00

Feeling trapped
not immobilized
but mobility stalls
panic slowly, gently forming

I'm at a crossroad
a simple decision
but unable to decide
fearing possible unlikabilities

My mind has chosen
it focuses on minor details
relenting its grip on rationality
deciding on indecision

I want desperately to regain control
to allow life to happen
ignoring the what ifs that rarely occur
choosing to deal with the immediate

The anxiety that comes from this awareness
felling trapped between reason and worry
knowing the correct choice
yet unable to make it

Time passes as my mind stalls
somewhere between thought and action
like a misfire or electrical short
failing to initiate activity

So many pressing needs suddenly appear
overdue chores, new ideas you must not forget
decision is delayed as your attention is refocused
"look at the birdie", your mind commands

Hyperactivity to detail further shifts your focus
pushing you further into denial
you surrender your ability to reason
allowing the misdirection to shield you from choice

Eventually time passes and decisions have been made
life has continued without you, despite you
repercussions range from regret to rage
but you can never change what has already been done

The certainty this will happen again
creates an anxiety in itself
cradling you in its familiar grip
protecting you from possibilities

Best For Last (Adele: 19)

2009-05-31T21:31:00.002-05:00

Wait, do you see my heart on my sleeve?
It's been there for days on end and
It's been waiting for you to open up
Just you baby, come on now
I'm trying to tell you just how
I'd like to hear the words roll out of your mouth finally
Say that it's always been me

That's made you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

Why is it everytime I think I've tried my hardest
It turns out it ain't enough cause you're still not mentioning love
What am I supposed to do to make you want me properly?
I'm taking these chances and getting away
And though I'm trying my hardest you go back to her
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and you never want more
Then you'd say all of the right things without a clue
But you'd save the best for last
Like I'm the one for you

You should know that you're just a temporary fix
This is not rooted with you it don't mean that much to me
You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free
How dare you think you'd get away with trying to play me

But, despite the truth I know
I find it hard to let go and give up on you
Seems I love the things you do
Like the meaner you treat me the more eager I am
To persist with this heartbreak and running around
And I think that I know things may never change
I'm still hoping one day I might hear you say

I make you feel a way you've never felt before
And I'm all you need and that you never want more
And we'll say all of the right things without a clue
And you'll be the one for me and me the one for you

((lyrics courtesy of absolutelyrics.com))

Everybody Must Get Stoned: Rock Stars on Drugs

2009-04-25T21:10:00.001-05:00

Ozzy Osbourne once told High Times he was poolside when he offered a stranger coke. "He goes, 'No, no, no.' I'm whacking this stuff up my nose . . . [and] I say, 'What do you do?'

"He says, 'I work for the government . . . for the drug squad.' I sez, 'You're [bleep]ing joking.' He shows me his badge. I [bleep]in' flipped -- flames were coming out of my fingers, man. He says, 'Oh, you're all right. I'm the guy that got you the coke.' "

From: "Everybody Must Get Stoned: Rock Stars on Drugs" by R. U. Sirius

...for my sister-in-law

2009-03-25T12:38:00.002-05:00

Local as a Mother...

2009-03-15T16:17:00.003-05:00

In a recent interview with GQ, Devendra Banhart was talking about recording in Woodstock and how important he found it to move on after recording "I need to move on or I'll be singing the same shit." He then quoted Miles Davis; "People who don't change will find themselves like folk musicians, playing in museums and local as a motherfucker."

I think I understand how they felt. I have live in Houston almost my entire life. This is all I know. While I have moved to different sides of the city and even way out on the outskirts, it is still Houston. I am still the same person. It's not like I hold the belief that you can become a new person if you move to another city. When I went to New York City last year, I felt different. I felt so creative and inspired. I felt comfortable yet driven. I was still me. I didn't loose any insecurity or look different. What changed was my motivation.

When I wrote, which was often, I wrote from a new perspective. My emotions pushed me in a new direction. My point of view was the same, but it was like I had been given glasses and was suddenly aware of details previously unseen. Subtlety of life became my muse.

We have to change things to remain fresh. For you it may be having a baby and starting a family. Or you may change careers and go down an unknown path. For me, for now, it seems like moving to New York City is an obvious progression. How long it will take to get there is a different story, but the knowledge of what is out there waiting for me provides patience and excitement.

Having returned to my local same shit different day way of life, I write much less and have to pull the words out from deep inside instead of the hard to keep up with flow I momentarily experienced. This doesn't lessen my motivation it provides a boost. I realize one has to work hard to get ahead. The journey defines the destination. What I go through to get there will make me stronger and more appreciative of what live has to offer.

I miss hip-hop

2009-02-28T16:58:00.009-06:00

I love hip-hop music. I love all music, but hip-hop has always held a special place in my heart. Recently, however, so many songs have been released that are just stupid. Why do some many songs (mainly rap) involve bragging about money, cars, girls, etc. that they do not have? What happened to the songs about life, about love, and the fun songs aboutnothing, really, but just fun?
Music is basically a means to telling your story. It is a method of communication that allows others to experience, more or less, your life. It tells stories of love found, love lost, and love unrequited. It brings joy to what is sometimes a very hectic and harsh life. This music allowed me to eavesdrop on other people's personal thoughts and see life through their eyes. To experience what they experience and feel the same emotions they feel. It lets me know there are other people out there that think like me and have the same problems I have. It tells me I am not alone and things do get better. This is what music is about.

Music is also about having fun, especially hip-hop. It is fun stories and funny situations. It is silly lyrics that make you smile and amazing beats that challenge you to sit still. It is a parallel universe that exist just outside of our own and provides a temporary relief from life's drama.

Hip-hop, in particular, defines your generation. You can listen to the songs put out when you were a teen and are instantly back in that time. The next generation will inevitably create their own music that they claim is better than mine, and call me old-school. And this is how life is supposed to be. We always improve on the previous, and the previous always claims to be the original. That is why music is so important.

I miss hip-hop and wish it would return.

lost

2009-02-08T19:21:00.000-06:00

i'm trying to figure out the reason i'm here

at this place, at this time, in this condition

they say all thing are meant to be

that there are no exceptions

so why is it i'm meant to be lost

still searching, and hoping, and trying

as much as i pray and ask for signs

on how i'm suppossed to be

i find myself constantly looking back

getting stuck on shoulda,coulda,woulda been

there is no moral and anecdote to my ramblings

no happy conclusion to what i said

i guess i'm just venting, misdirecting questions

that should be asked of myself, instead

--Originally posted 9/01/06--

I Missed You

2009-02-08T19:20:00.000-06:00

What happened to you? You've been such a stranger. I actually forgot you. Seeing you now brings your memories back so clearly. You have always been a funny, smart, romantic dreamer. I remember you always wanted to be in New York. You just knew Broadway was your destiny. And here you are. Strutting down Broadway on a rainy May afternoon. I see you finally made it. Even if you are only on holiday, you are here. Just like you always said. Maybe the theater hasn't quite panned out, yet. Your life is at a climax and us reuniting is a strong sign of possibilities. I have never been more focused than I am at this moment. Your self assurance of purpose and sense of being is sublime. I have relinquished my doubts and I am open to your ambition. I missed you. I missed being me.

--Originally posted 5/23/08--

Emotional Constipation

2009-02-08T19:15:00.000-06:00

To be taken literally shock value must contribute value. I hope you will find that value in what I am learning. It seems emotions are so closely linked to our insecurities we manipulate ourselves as a matter of course. In example, the confidence I feel about what I am wearing is derived from my perception of others' opinions. As I was giving myself that final mirror check one morning I realized I was imagining what another person would think of my outfit. I then wondered how often my decisions are based on public opinion. At work I avoid being associated with non-performers. I choose friends according to looks (this must keep me in with the attractive crowd). I withhold, or even alter, my beliefs to avoid disparity. I stop singing in my car when pulling along side another-what would the stranger think of me. CLICK. That's what happened. My brain suddenly adjusted itself and my thoughts are now lining up with amazing focus. At once, I can see what is, and what was, important. Comparing my present and past with such focus allowed me to correct my own importance. I understand my desires are not second to yours, yet this does not make me selfish. When did I convince myself my own dreams are an afterthought? It must be possible to follow my ambitions while still supporting yours. Even now I am concerned you might be displeased with me. What is this need and can it be unlearned? If I am my true self my friends will still love me, I am sure. Possibly they love me despite this facade they choose to ignore. Possibly they will love me more after I release the need for their acceptance and just accept myself. I said this is a value I am learning, still learning. I have managed to do alright so far in my effort to please others. I can not be stopped now that I have only myself to impress.

--Originally posted 5/24/08--

He Hung the Moon

2009-01-15T21:25:00.003-06:00

...work in progress...

Unconditional Love

2008-12-29T15:23:00.002-06:00

I have wasted an insane amount of time in my life looking for love. Love from friends, family, partners. I didn't care, I just wanted to feel loved. I realize this is a very needy act and says more about my self-esteem than an natural yearning for affection. But, this does not change the simple fact that I felt I needed this validation. Until recently. As much as I would like to say I changed overnight and no longer want people to express their love for me, I cannot. I can say that I have, however, realized both the futility and nonessential need behind this search. I realized after visiting my brother and sister-in-law and my three nephews for Thanksgiving and Christmas. My nephews could care less what I wear or how I look. They don't care what I have to say, or what I do for a living. All they care about is that I was there. They kept asking their mom when I was coming and stuck by me the entire time. Watching their movies with them was such an amazing time. They would sit right next to me, on me, behind me with their feet pushing against my back - just so long as I was spending time with them. It is so frustrating at times watching movies with others, especially those I am trying to impress. I try to suck in my stomach, sit correctly, not make stupid remarks or laugh at the dumb jokes. With my nephews these issues did not arise. I began to wonder why I have spent so much time looking for love when these three princes were so willing to just give it to me without asking anything in return. Even on those rare occasions that I had to correct them for acting up, or tell them no when they had a request, they never wavered from their love for me. I didn't have to earn it. I would not have been able to earn this type of love anyway. It is an unconditional love and something I shall cherish for the rest of my life. I just pray I never fail to show my appreciation for this love.

Romanticising Romance

2008-12-21T13:45:00.003-06:00

I used to fancy myself a romantic. To the point I use phrases like fancy myself. I am now at the point where I wonder if I really am a romantic, or just in love with the idea of romance. I find so many things to be romantic and want to experience them with my man (who does not yet exist). What I know wonder is do I really want to share that moment with someone I love, or am I so enthralled with living out those moments I have seen in movies that I want to recreate them. Here is an example, I am planning to move to NYC and want to experience my first walk through Central Park with someone I love. There is nobody I specifically want to share this walk with, yet, and I don't know of any reason that this walk is any more special than any other walk with my man. I think I have seen this image so many times in movies that I think it should be a romantic moment. But can these moments actually be created, or should they just happen? Does this mean I would have to avoid Central Park until I actually experience that first walk with my true love so I don't ruin that moment? That hardly seems right. The biggest error in that wish is the lack of a man. Who knows how long it will be until I find my Prince Charming. This might also explain why I have been single for so long. I expect too many things from a potential suitor. Upon retrospect, I am not sure any man could actually live up to my ridiculously high standards. I have too many requirements that he must meet to even be considered. I think my need for romance has actually ruined romance - if this makes any sense. I am trying to control the uncontrollable and force destiny. Maybe if I simply let things happen I will open myself up to actually meeting that special someone. Maybe by letting go of my search for a perfect moment, I will finally allow life to happen. If I get out a romance's way, maybe I will experience romance in its truest form. Maybe

Quotes

2008-12-18T22:08:00.003-06:00

God never gets it wrong. The church often takes a long time to get it right. It is a human institution, but one capable of self-correction...I believe in my heart that the church got it wrong about homosexuality. There is great excitement in my heart to be living in a time when the church is starting to get it right
~New Hampshire Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson

Tolerance is giving to every other human being every right that you claim for yourself.
~Robert Green Ingersoll

Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others.
~John F. Kennedy

I believe all Americans who believe in freedom, tolerance and human rights have a responsibility to oppose bigotry and prejudice based on sexual orientation.
~Coretta Scott King

Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
~Ernest Gaines

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
~Mohandas Gandhi

Even the devil can cite scripture for his purpose.
~William Shakespeare

People are quick to react, but they are slow to prevent
~C Lean (Huntsville)

Gay Penguins

2008-12-15T22:15:00.000-06:00

Penguins caught stealing eggs from straight couples in an attempt to become fathers have been given their own to look after following protests.
Zoo keepers moved the male birds away from the rest of the penguins to avoid problems as hatching season approaches.
But angry visitors to Polar Land in China complained it was not fair for the males to stop becoming surrogate fathers.
Following the protests, zookeepers gave the pair two eggs laid by an inexperienced first-time mother.
"They've turned out to be the best parents in the whole zoo," on zoo keeper said.
"We will try to arrange for them to become real parents themselves with artificial insemination."
Despite being gay, it is understood the three-year-old male birds are still driven by an urge to be fathers.

-----------------
this was taken directly from http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/latest/5217215/gay-penguins-given-own-eggs-to-care-for/

Am I really my own person?

2008-12-14T16:36:00.002-06:00

I am ashamed to say I have let other people effect the way I am. In the past I was a very caring and devoted friend, but I became friends with (or attracted as friends) people who took advantage of this. I, at first, allowed myself to become a very negative person and would not allow people to access my "good side". Later, I started to shun social activities and avoid people altogether. This proved to be very effective in cutting off people's access to my openness and protected my feelings. What I did not anticipate was how lonely a world it would become once I stopped talking to people. I always defended myself (mostly to myself) by saying I was alone, but not lonely. It took a couple years - and the slow descent from society - to realize how wrong I was. I suddenly understood how much I needed to be around people. I love people, and the interactions I had with them. I loved being the caring person, the positive person. The friend people would gravitate around when they wanted to laugh, or needed cheering up. Eliminating friendships would help prevent the possible misuse of my love. There were no possibilities, however, involved in eliminating friendships. There was the guarantee that I would soon suffer my decision. My next hurdle was getting back into socializing without limiting my being. I could not let previous experiences, or my fear that they might re-occur, from changing who I am. I had to commit to jumping headfirst into the sea of people with an open heart and pray that the people I met would be different from those I knew. I had to remain strong in my belief that the majority of people are good-hearted and loving. This part I am still working on, but I have full faith that I will be successful this time and remain the me I love.

BET not a friend of gays?

2008-11-23T15:31:00.004-06:00

UPDATED 2/18/10: It is a shame that BET never felt the need to even attempt a response, whether negative or positive. BUT, I am very please that thanks to Twitter I was able to personally express my disappointment to Anthony. I was truly appreciative to receive a response. Actually, I simply posted a public tweet mentioning him. What I really took as a sign of respect is his direct message back, instead of a public reply on his twitter page. This came across as a sincere apology instead of simply an attempt to save face. This is why I felt the need to update my blog and return that respect.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BET recently premiered a show called "Brothers to Brutha" which centers around 5 young brothers and their singing group. On this weeks episode the youngest brother, Anthony, made a comment about one of his older brothers, Grady, dancing like a homosexual. Grady, out of anger then assaulted Anthony. This angered me in two ways; the fact that "homosexual" was used as a derogatory term, and that it was received as such a horrible label that one would attack his own brother. This angered me enough to log into BET's website to post a comment about this. However, I was confronted with a survey pertaining to this exact issue. But, instead of BET questioning the usage of this word, they asked if Anthony should have guestioned Grady's manhood. Basically inferring being gay somehow negates being a man. I no longer felt commenting on that site would be effective since BET obviously views gays in a negative way and would pay no attention to our concerns. This worries me since the group, and the show, is meant to appeal to younger viewers and this is not the example we need to set for them. We are already trying to stop the usage of the phrase "that is so gay" and this politically correct version is more offensive since it is a pointed and deliberate attempt to avoid any confusion over the intended offense. We, as a nation, are finally making huge strides forward to eliminate the years of prejudices already in place. This is being done in large part to a younger, more diverse, population that does not view homosexuality as wrong, or not being normal. Having a media outlet with such trendsetting capabilities like BET allow, and promote, such hatred is unacceptable and we must do something to let BET know will will not allow them to promote hatred.

Proposition 8

2008-11-12T22:44:00.001-06:00

If you are tired of hearing, and reading, about Prop 8, you are probably straight. Not that there is anything wrong with that. I, however, am not, and I am very frustrated that some many people are attempting to deny my rights. I have no immediate plans to marry, but one day I would love to be married. Or, in the least, have that option. To be clear on what this right means to me, I simply want to live free of discrimination. Regardless of you opinion, I am American, I vote, I pay taxes, I deserve to be treated equally.

For those who wish to quote bible verses and condemn me to hell, I am Christian. I am not going to hell because you say I am. Only God can make this decision. Why so many Christians believe they know my relationship with God better than I do is very disturbing. I was raised in a very strict, and extreme, religious home. I was taught I would go to hell for what was then a very secretive and unsure "difference". I had no idea what the word gay meant, but I knew I felt for other boys the same way those boys felt for girls. And I knew this was wrong, according to my parents. It was not until many years after I had moved out of my parents' house that I finally realized how absurdly wrong that was. After I developed my own relationship with God I found out He does not hate gays, but the contrary. This was after over a decade of attempting to be straight. This was after daily prayers to rid me of my gay demons. This was after I finally gave in an realized God didn't want me to change. He created me to be this way and to change it would be to live a lie. To continue the unhappy existence I had always known. I'm sure I'll come back to this topic some other time, but this is a basic preemptive response to those who believe I am a sinner. Believe if you must, but please keep you life right so you can one day see how wrong you are if you make it to Heaven also.

For now, this will have to suffice as far as my blog is concerned. I must now get ready for bed. I need plenty of sleep to combat ignorance during the day. Turning the other cheek can take a lot of energy.